Dear Jake,

What a mess. What a strange, wonderful, terrible mess. I don't know what to do. On the one hand, it was good to be with you again. More than good, just right, for me. Not you, of course. On the other, what a haphazard smattering of half-truths, lies, prevarications: the world rewritten over months and again in minutes. I don't know what to believe when the story evolves or reverses over and over again.

It is so confusing, and so simple. She's the real love of your life...you tell her everything you could never tell me...only you told me everything and nothing and everything new is just the same, just forgotten. You seem to have forgotten everything that you once insisted I know. Now I shouldn't know it, because it's hers. It's what separates us, what makes her the one and me...nothing at all.

You tell her everything about me....or you tell her nothing. Hold things back just for you.

She completely supports you reconnecting with me....or she doesn't and she won't.

You're ashamed of our relationship...or they were some of the best times in your life.

You don't care what people think...or you are terrified of their understanding what we meant to one another.

You are sorry that you hurt me...but how could you ever have meant anything?

You love me, but you don't and I shouldn't and how could I?


Where are we? Where are we going? You say nowhere one minute, only to change it the next.

I'm no more found than I was a week ago. I feel no more resolution.

I know what I want, I don't care how long it takes you, I hope you find what it is you really want, not just what is easiest. Or the most "moral." That really seriously bothers me. I wish we could chat about your insane and oppressive dogmatic "not catholic"ness. I wish your conception of morality and faith and goodness wasn't predicated on the hateful rantings of a corrupted conception of love and the body and the soul.